DANGEROUS DAYS

Dead Snow (2009)
Zombie Horror; Norway
91 mins

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So...anybody know what the deal with Norwegians and disembowelment is? I can only imagine it's a cultural obsession because it happens a shit-ton of times in "Dead Snow". How the hell do you get your intestines caught on a tree branch as you stroll by it? I have no fucking idea, but apparently it's as common as tripping on your own shoelaces in Norway!

This movie claims to be about Nazi zombies, but really they play a very small role in the action. The fact that these zombies happened to be Nazis once upon a time doesn't really come into play except as a bit of backstory and, of course, in the costuming. Aside from that fact, this movie is like the general premise of the first "Pirates of the Caribbean" meets every other fucking movie in history where zombies stalk a group of 20-somethings in a remote cabin.

The "dumb bitch syndrome" runs rampant in this one. Do people go outside to investigate shit they really shouldn't be fucking with? Oh yea! Does someone go to the outhouse alone at night after some freaky shit has already transpired? Of course! Do the few remaining survivors split up to cover more ground and insure that they make themselves as easy to kill as possible? You better fuckin' believe they do because this is a horror movie that follows just about every horror movie cliche in the book. But you know what? It was still mildly entertaining.

Give this movie some time if you're into: anything/everything zombie related, watching stupid people make bad decisions that end in death or dismemberment.

Hush (2008)
Horror; UK
91 mins

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If you're desperate for a new horror movie to watch you could do a lot worse than"Hush". Yea, it's low budg and a few people have a serious case of the "dumb bitches" and it's formulaic, but those aren't necessarily bad things all the time. I don't need every movie to be groundbreakingly original. Sometimes I just want to watch something that is middle of the road. I'm sure you can understand. Just because I like foie grois doesn't mean a brotha can't get down on some Chicken McNuggets every once in awhile, know what I mean? This movie's got a lot of tension, a great look (if you dig the shaky cam) and plenty of atmosphere. Plus, the ending is a LOL.

Give this some time if you're into: The Hitcher, Duel, Joy Ride, indie horror

Splinter (2008)
Horror; USA
82 mins

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To put it plainly, "Splinter" is boring. It's basically like John Carpenter's "The Thing" if you took away the cool setting, the top notch (for the time) special effects, the sci-fi angle, the actors and the writing and instead set the story in a gas station in the middle of nowhere populated by some mundanely average characters and a parasite that wouldn't feel out of place in a bargain bin FPS. Oh yea, and the parasite doesn't really shapeshift, so I guess it's not really that similar to "The Thing" after all. You know a horror flick is pretty lame when the unwitting couple in danger has to team up with a less than likely ally to defeat the monster - in this case, an escaped convict (aka the stock antagonist).

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing worth hating about this film...it's just kinda tedious and in the end you're like "what the fuck was the point of making that?"

Give this some time if you're into: wasting an hour and twenty minutes of your life.