Flash Reviews: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra [movies]

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)
Action/Sci-Fi; USA
118 minutes

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Ok, I stand corrected. When I heard they were making a live-action "G.I. Joe" movie my natural response was a little bit of 'meh' mixed with a dash of *barf* finished off with a pinch of WTF. But honestly, how could you blame me? That kind of thing usually goes horribly wrong, right? Transformers, Scooby Doo, Inspector Gadget...I mean, it's not exactly a strong track record of translating Saturday morning cartoons into live-action blockbusters.

Who knew? This movie is actually pretty awesome! Sienna Miller's questionable acting aside, most everything in "G.I. Joe" works - even Marlon Waynes! I know, right? But he only really slips on a few bits of dialog, which is really impressive considering his past tendencies. Usually I hate the wacky, ethnic comic relief sidekick bit in Hollywood movies, but strangely the writers actually elevated that role in "G.I. Joe". Not only does he live through the closing credits, but he also gets the chick AND saves the day while the white guy heartthrob is basically off chasing some pussy. That rarely happens, folks!

The element that ultimately makes this movie the shit is that the action is straight on point. That may not seem like a big deal because every summer movie has action in it these days, but rarely is it ever done right. You'll find no slow dolly tracking around choreographed martial arts battles in this film, nor will you find seizure inducing shaky-cam that renders all the action into blurs of grainy chaos. It's just old-fashioned anime influenced perfection that doesn't call too much attention to itself and just lets you sit back and go "Oh, shit!" Some of the CGI is shotty, but I've seen worse in bigger budget movies than this.

The bottom line is - what do you expect out of a G.I. Joe movie? What do you expect from the guy who directed "The Mummy"? You expect a spectacle of things blowing up, people saying stupid shit while wearing silly outfits and doing backflips while shooting machine guns. Do you like that kind of shit? Yea? Then check it out. This isn't fucking Wim Wenders though. It is what it is and it's more fun to watch than most of the crap that tries to fill that void.

Why the fuck does the guy that never utters a word need a mouth though?

The world may never know.

Give this some time if you're into: action, cartoons, anime, explosions, jets, motorcycles, power armor, British guys being the president of the US