Tyra Banks Must Be Stopped [television]

The former supermodel-turned-media-mogul is officially out of her goddamn mind

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What is the single largest threat to our nation's impressionable youth? Reefer? Alcohol? Meth? Al Qaeda? Rap music?

No, folks. I have had a vision of the end and amongst all the fire and brimstone there was one face staring back at me with an evil, satisfied smile, joyously observing the chaos and destruction. It was the face of Lucifer himself, code name: Tyra Fucking Banks.

Back when she was just a former supermodel trying to break into the reality TV game with "America's Next Top Model," I didn't really have anything bad to say about Tyra. All I knew about her was that her body was pretty bangin' and that she did a stint on the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" way back before Will Smith was in every big budget sci-fi flick ever made.

She was harmless, really. But that's how they always start out. Then when she parlayed the success of her modeling series into a daytime talk show on network television, I thought, "Go girl! Make that money!" I wasn't mad at her.

However, that's when things started getting a little scary. After countless episodes watching her spout out armchair psychology to guests she brings on the show for the sole purpose of judging and condemning (under the guise of presenting the full spectrum of opinions), I started to ask myself -- what the hell qualifies this chick to get on a pedestal and pass judgment on anything, let alone the hot-button issues she so often tries to tackle in her quest to become the next Oprah?

I mean, let's be honest and go over the facts here. The only job she's ever had since her mid-teens is modeling. Her best friend is her mother. She's never gotten drunk or done drugs. She tried and failed at a music career. She tried and failed at an acting career (and continues to fail in her recent "Gossip Girl" guest spot).

She doesn't even have a college degree!

I'm not trying to be insulting, but generally when taking advice from someone, it's important to consider the source. For instance, you wouldn't get your matzah ball recipe from Mel Gibson, so why the hell would you even entertain Tyra Banks' thoughts on polyamory? Need I remind you that her best friend is her mom? I'm sorry, but this bitch knows nothing about polyamory!

But what about dating advice? That's an easy subject. She moved to Paris at 17 -- she must have had tons of experience with making dating mistakes, falling for the wrong guys, being taken advantage of for sex, making immature decisions without considering the consequences -- all the tragic things young girls go through trying to find themselves, right? Oh wait ... while she was supposed to be wasting away her late-teens doing coke rails off Parisian toilet seats and boning sleazy Euro-douche photographers on yachts in St. Bart's like any other self-respecting supermodel, she was sitting at home with her mom, painting her toenails and playing Scrabble.

The bitch is square!

What really gets me is when she attempts to talk about teens, especially females, having healthy body images. Don't get me wrong, I think kids today need an outlet to discuss these things, especially in a society that's so obsessed with sexualizing teens and promoting airbrushed ideals of beauty.

But again, consider the source.

You can tell kids, "Love yourself just the way you are," all you want, but when you show up on air with a different weave every episode and dedicate countless segments to beauty products that will help prevent wrinkles by smearing placenta on your face, you're kind of sending mixed signals.

"Sometimes, children, your natural beauty is a gift you should cherish and worship just the way it is, but sometimes it's a beast you should beat in line when it starts to deviate from the picturesque ideal you have in your head."

Recently, Banks debuted her new season on The CW by shelving the weaves for awhile and showing off her "real" hair as well as her slimmed down new physique. After her very public "kiss my fat ass" rally call a few seasons back, it would seem that Tyra herself has a hard time deciding if she wants to just be comfortable being a "normal person," as she implores her guests to do, or succumb to the strict standards of beauty that so offended her when she made that famous (as she'd have you believe) exclamation.

I'm not pointing these things out just to tear the woman down ... I simply feel like maybe she's not the right person to get up in front of millions of teens and act as some sort of guiding voice when she has neither a clear, consistent message nor the qualifications to educate youth without inadvertently turning their insecurities into full-blown psychological complexes.

But even that, folks, is not the real kicker here. Up until now I could live with the quagmire of Tyra's behavior. However, in light of the most recent season of "America's Next Top Model" Cycle 13 (aka "The Short Girl season") I can see a line in the sand quickly approaching.

It's obvious that Banks has had tons of success in the last decade of her career, to the point that she is inching ever closer to Oprah status with every new venture. Obvious, mostly because she never lets a second pass without reminding you just how spectacularly awesome she is -- whether it be by flaunting her Emmy wins, plastering oversized photos of herself over every inch of the Top Model house or by essentially acting like a big, voluptuous, tranny-fied pimp to the contestants, never for a moment allowing them to forget that she's given them everything and without her influence they would never even be considered by the modeling industry because of their height.

I only point this out because it's seeming obvious to me that the woman has become so successful that she no longer has anyone around her that will tell her "no" or slap some sense into her.

When it reaches the point that you are using the cross-promotion provided by your many television shows to attempt to coin new ridiculous phrases that you've made up yourself, hoping they'll catch on in the mainstream, you're about three to five years shy of Michael Jackson territory. When one reaches Michael Jackson territory (and yes, I believe that's the professional medical term), they are so insulated from reality by their own fame that it becomes impossible for anyone to realistically relay to them just how off their fucking rocker they truly are.

Like when someone with a straight face suggests that they stop calling them "makeovers" and instead call them "Ty-overs," as if that makes any kind of fucking sense whatsoever. Or shortening an already coined phrase "smile with your eyes" to one, easier to remember portmanteau - "smeyes."

Seriously, this is getting out of hand and believe me, it will only get worse unless someone stops this woman now before it's too late and we're all drinking Ty-Iced Tea at Star-Banks listening to Tyra's comeback album on our Ty-Pods.

Is that really the world you want your children growing up in?